All of God’s Little Creatures

Did I tell you that I am scared of spiders? Well I am, and am not afraid to admit it. I’m just afraid of them, with their beady eyes, and hairy legs, and scuttling movements, and things. Horrible.

Why do spiders exist at all? I mean, I am told that spiders are good, because they keep the fly population down, but I don’t entirely trust this statement. You see, I loathe and detest spiders, and the way I see it, if spiders eat flies, then they grow bigger, and they live longer, and they reproduce, which means MORE SPIDERS! What can be good about that?

I say the above because recently there has been an absolute invasion of them into the house. This would be bad under any circumstances, but it is especially bad now for two reasons – firstly the house has these ledges at the top of the walls where you would normally have coving or architraving (is that a word, or did I just make it up?). This means that the spiders can sit there on these ledges and watch me. And they do, I know it. Secondly (and this is worse), for some reason this year (or is it this house) has the BIGGEST spiders I have ever seen. I killed one in the bath the other day that was bigger than my head. I had to throw the telephone directory at it to stun it, and then beat it to death with a golf club. I think I may have damaged the bath, but it was worth it. The scream was pretty awful though, and that was just me!

I have heard that some people can collect spiders under pint glasses or whatever, and then gently plonk them back into the garden. What is the point of that? If you do that, then they will eat more flies, have more spider sex (if that’s what they have), and produce more spiders, which will then come and invade your house ten-fold! Fools! In any case, I don’t think I could come that close to a live spider – what if it ate through the glass when I picked it up? What if it stared at me and then laser-beamed a hole in the glass and then attacked my neck? That is pretty bloody scary stuff I can tell you.

So anyway, a very good weekend was had by one and all this weekend. I think we ate rather well. Home-made (of course) curry on Friday night, and about 14lbs of chicken wings on Saturday night, followed by roast beef for lunch on Sunday. Had to come to work this morning for a rest from eating! Also had a complete exercise failure. I don’t think I can count sitting in the pub watching Sunderland get beaten by Burnley as being very good for me. It certainly was frustrating, that is for sure, but the beer was good! The bleep test didn’t happen though – I did offer to host it a few times, but for some reason my very kind offer was declined – funny that!

The other thing which happened this weekend was that I received a T-shirt from those nice people at the charity. I need now to put it on, get a picture taken and update the charity site – I can then start publicizing it and hopefully get some donations rolling in. I think however on reflection I am going to change the name of the people I am supporting – I want a new charity, called something like “Exterminate Spiders UK” or something like that. As far as I am concerned, there are “All God’s Little Creatures”, and then there are spiders!

Miles walked/run? Probably not!

2 thoughts on “All of God’s Little Creatures

  1. I am not sure whether to be happy to know that birds eat spiders (which quite frankly I am delighted), or to be petrified at some of the facts quoted here. Spiders getting fatter is quite frankly not a laughing matter!

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